One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!!

In most cases, I am a beer guy. I can sit down and drink beer after beer for hours on end. I actually like the taste of beer. I enjoy checking out a new craft brew whenever the opportunity arises and, at the same time, Miller High Life and Pabst Blue Ribbon are very good friends of mine. However, I do enjoy the occasional night(or day, if the mood's right) of drinking hard alcohol. Now I'm not saying that I walk into a bar and ask for three fingers of Glen Livet, or order a shot every ten minutes. Usually, I'll stick to a Captain N' Coke or some flavored vodka and Sprite(real drinkers consume flavored vodkas, too, dammit!) Recently, though, I've really grown an affinity for the devil juice that is Tequila(which will remain capitalized throughout this rambling). I know that Tequila has a bad reputation. Whether it's because of it's connection to causing unnecessary brawls or very necessary call-outs from work, Tequila has always seemed to have a notoriety associated with it. In fact, I believe the following video pretty much sums it up:                       


    


However, when not added in with all of those other liquors(especially Jaeger), Tequila gets along quite well with beer. In fact, I've found that in my old age, a couple of shots of Tequila are the perfect counterpart to 10 or 12 High Lifes. Like most, I prefer to down the ultra premium stuff like Patron and Tres Generaciones, but when in a pinch, you can't go wrong with good old Jose Cuervo. Whether I get it chilled or follow up with a lime really depends on my mood at the time(bust my balls if you'd like, but in some cases you just don't want to drink warm tequila w/o a chaser). In the past, I've gone through phases where I had a favorite liquor, but usually overdid it at some point and never went back to them(again I'm pointing in Jaeger's general direction). I've been lucky enough to not have that happen with Tequila, yet(knock on the bar top).

So, although I've heard plenty of stories about Tequila causing black eyes, horrible mornings, and memory loss, I'm always happy to add it to my evenings to-do list. Obviously, I suggest some moderation, but understand that, at times, those Tequila shots will sneak some of their friends in. If you do overdo it, I hope that this is the result:

Heart attack in a can, you say? Ok, I'll try it.

A few weeks back, while looking to pass the time before an appointment (beer tasting), I happened to stumble into a craft beer treasure trove with a buddy of mine. Hidden away in the back room of Capone's Restaurant in Norristown, PA is a beer garden that had this beer lover tearing up a bit. Capone's bottle shop contains hundreds of brews, grouped together with similar styles of beers. There is a cooler that contains only Belgians and all of the local breweries are lumped together, as an example. Now I could spend a ridiculous amount of time discussing some of the rarer and more delicious varieties that I spotted (I'm talking 'bout you, Fruli), however, I want to bring attention to something else that I was introduced to that day. A drink that I originally thought had no business being in the same coolers (even the same building) as most, if not all, of the surrounding treasures. That drink's name is:

Four Loko!!

This concoction is basically a malt liquor combined with an energy drink. I'm sure some of you have downed some type of malt liquor in the past (this time, I'm looking at you, Mickey's). Some may have even tried one of those energy drinks mixed with beer or a Red Bull & Vodka. Four Loko makes them seem like Coors Light (Yeah, I said it. Coors Light isn't even a beer, in my opinion! It's slighty alcoholic water.)

What you are getting with Four Loko is basically a heart attack in a can that happens to get you drunk.......very quickly. Let's break it down like this. One can of Four Loko is 24 ounces, which is the equivalent of 2 beers. The alcohol content is 12%, which is basically equal to 2 pretty strong beers worth of booze in a 12 ounce can. But wait, remember that you are holding a 24 ounce can, so double those 2 beers. Have I lost you yet, because I'm pretty confused myself. Quick version, it's about 4 strong beers worth of liquid. Add, on top of all of this, the fact that it contains most of the ingredients of your typical energy drink, and you have quite a lethal cocktail.

So, instead of making a spectacular 12 pack of craft brews(okay, we still purchased a mixed 12 pack), we decided to buy a couple cans of Four Loko. My buddy went with Fruit Punch, while I chose Watermelon flavored (That's both of them in the above picture, Watermelon is on the right). Once we reached a safe place to taste this potion (in my car, in the parking lot of the bar that was holding the beer tasting), my buddy and I cracked open our cans and had our first sip of Fruit Punch and Watermelon goodness, respectively........and by "goodness" I mean "foul swill". Ok, maybe "foul swill" is too strong of a description. Mine tasted like a very sour watermelon Jolly Rancher, in soda form. My buddy was equally as happy with his. After the sip, I tried a full swig to see if the taste was any more bearable. It wasn't. I am rarely one to simply throw away alcohol, so I did what I figured to be the most efficient form of disposal. I chugged it.

I'd love to say that the math we went over earlier was incorrect, but alas, it was spot on. I stupidly drank 4 beers worth of heart attack juice in under a minute. And quickly felt the effects. I started giggling at nothing in particular, slurring simple words, and jonesing for a rollercoaster.......at the same time (Is that my heartbeat or a drumroll?) It was like the Red Bull scene from the Jim Carrey film "Yes Man". Seeing my reaction to this poison, my buddy only felt comfortable downing a little more than half of his before passing on his can. Passing his can on to me! I finished his can's remainder in two gulps. My buddy's eyes shot wide open and a big chuckle escaped him. He asked me if he should call an ambulance now or wait until the stroke occurred. I asked him to wait. For the next hour or so, I was like a drunken monkey with the abilty to speak slurred English, but with the attention span of that dog from the Pixar film "Up" (squirrel!?). Highlights of this hour include plenty of random bursts into song, a horrible attempt at conversation with 2 of the bar's regulars and a hilarious 10 minute discussion about gummi bears.....with myself. At about the 60th minute, I fell back to Earth. Very quickly. I was drained. Not wanting to fall asleep at yet another bar, I immediately pounded a couple of pints to level me out. And it actually worked. I was able to withstand the remainder of the beer sampling AND stops at two more watering holes. I had survived my first encounter with Four Loko.

I say "first encounter" because I have noticed a side effect that creeps up every now and then since that fateful day. Occasionally, without warning, I get an unbearable urge to search out the nearest Four Loko and slam it down like Dr. J (F Lebron and Kobe). Luckily, the urge subsides after 10-15 minutes.

So, surprisingly, I would actually suggest trying a can of heart attack jui....I mean Four Loko, if you come across it. Once you get used to the taste and the heart murmurs, it's not horrible. I would also suggest drinking it slower than I did. You may want to act quickly, though. I have heard rumors that it's about to be taken off the market due to some minor health risks, but I've seemed fine since letting it into my system. No real issues. Although, any time I drive near any place that carries Four Loko, my heart starts that drumroll, and I have the urge to skydive. Sooooooo...........

I'll leave you with one of the little diddies that kept bursting out during that harrowing hour on Four Loko. It paraphrases Johnny 5 from one of classics of the 80's, "Short Circuit 2" (I also think "Grease 2" is a classic. Just sayin').

Four Loko kick your ass
Four Loko kick your face
Four Loko kick your balls into Outer Space!

Hello World, are you out there? It's me, Boozer X.

What up. It was suggested to me by my good friend and drinking buddy, BeerDawg, that I should consider writing a bit on my opinions of all things alcohol. He said that it may be humorous to recall some old adventures and how I felt about certain spirits and brews that I have tried. After I explained that I may have trouble remembering such past opinions due to overconsumption of said spirits and brews, BeerDawg suggested I start fresh and throw in some of the old stuff if it ever resurrects in my memory. What can I say, he has an answer for everything.

But I figure he COULD be correct and it COULD be interesting to try to remember some of my past indiscretions. Hell, you may even find some of them make you chuckle.

So I've decided to test the waters. I am not promising that this will be a revolutionary new source for all things alcohol (wouldn't that be sweet, though), but I do think it'll be fun.

Bottoms Up!

Boozer X